i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
