Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
