i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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