I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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