You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
