nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize