My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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