I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
