Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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