for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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