im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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