conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
