I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
