my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just had sex bonerless
he shaved USA in his pubs
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
