$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
