It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
