my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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