I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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