I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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