tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
