He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
