NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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