When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
