His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
