But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The ass gains better be worth it
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