Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize