If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
