Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
