he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
