you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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