Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
