A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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