this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
