i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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