we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
