Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
