I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
