Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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