I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize