I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
