we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
