I am spending my child support on dildos
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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