I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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