I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize