I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
