my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
