my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
