did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
