you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
