My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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