If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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