Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
