whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
