I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
