I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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