this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
