one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
