i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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