i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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