your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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