i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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