I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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