i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
