I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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