Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
