I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
