It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
