GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
