20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
where are my eyebrows?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
