I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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