Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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